Top Five: Bioware's Hottest Female Characters

I don't know about you, but I LOVE Bioware. Ever since I discovered Baldur's Gate I've been hooked on any video game crack they allow me to buy off them. Aside from the in-depth stories, the dynamic characters and intuitive gameplay, I've also noticed something else in recent years:

Bioware games have some crazy hot chicks in them. And the best part? You can engage in (virtual) sexcapades with nearly all of them.

So after some deliberation, intense scrutiny, and revisiting old flames, I put forth the following list of the most attractive ladies of the Bioware universe.

Honorable Mentions:
(Or "Not a Ten, but I'd Hit It")

Bastila Shan, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Well who doesn't want to hit on a cute, young Jedi warrior? The fact that she carried around a yellow double-bladed lightsaber only made her hotter.

Merrill, Dragon Age 2

For such a cute tiny Elven mage, Merrill was awfully fucked up. Every time I visited that little hovel she called a home I had to stare at that broke-ass horror mirror/magic project in the corner that she just wouldn't get rid of! And ya know... she was sorta a bloodmage. Still adorable though.

Tallis, Dragon Age 2: Mark of the Assassin

Tallis gets a Honorable Mention because I just didn't get to spend enough time with her. Had I gotten an entire game with a character that was the visual (as well as audio) representation of Felicia Day, she'd be near the top of my list.

Those Who Didn't Make the Cut:
(Or "Only if I Were Drunk or Really Desperate")

Wynne, Dragon Age: Origins

I'd say Wynne here is a cougar, but let's face it. She's a aging snow leopard at best. A snow leopard that would eat Alistair up if she had the chance. (Seriously. Put them in your party and listen to what she says to him. Gross.) Count me out.

Tali'Zorah, Mass Effect 2

I know a lot of fanboys out there are huge Tali fans, but I just don't get it. Is she hot? Maybe. I don't know, because I'VE NEVER SEEN HER FREAKING FACE. Is every skinny geeky girl you know hot? 

I rest my case.

The Cream of the Crop:
(Or "The Reason I Press Pause and Ogle")

5. Isabela, Dragon Age II

Even though I'm partial to the way she appeared in Dragon Age: Origins, I can't leave Isabela off this list. She's a freaking sexy pirate for Andraste's sake! And she's well... aggressive in bed.

4. Viconia, Baldur's Gate

She's Neutral Evil alignment and blue. What else do you want? She's definitely a total bitch, but she gets shit done at least. Not without talking your ear off though. Talk about evil.

3. Aerie, Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn

The Elven Aerie will always have a soft spot in my heart. The first Bioware game I ever played was Shadows of Amn, so it was also the first time I ever romanced a video game character. You always remember your first.

2.Leliana/Morrigan, Dragon Age: Origins

The best part about Dragon Age: Origins is that it has something for everyone. And best of all? YOU GET TO DO IT WITH THEM. Love the noble and goofy guy? Here's Alistair. Like a slightly more feminine man who's not afraid to swing both ways? Meet Zevran. But for me the best characters from DA:O were obviously these two ladies. 

Morrigan, the stern, fiery, and brooding Witch of the Wild who had little knowledge of how to form a lasting relationship, is for the man who likes his sultry brunettes with a goth flavor. Claudia Black gives a tremendous performance as the tumultuous apostate. She may let you into her tent easily enough, but getting her to love you is no easy task. Still, it's worth the effort. What's not worth the effort? Figuring out how that outfit isn't always falling off her.

And then there's Leliana. Sweet, (supposedly) innocent Leliana. Who didn't fall in love with her at first sight? She's just an ex-bard (assassin) who found herself in a cloister as eventually became the bladed right hand of The Maker. And her voice (provided by Corinne Kempa) is absolutely wonderful.


It was REALLY difficult to not give these two wondrous examples of ladyhood the top slot. You have no idea. But the hottest woman in the Bioware universe is clear...

1. Miranda Lawson, Mass Effect 2

Oh Miranda. Why do you tease me so? With your enhanced biotics and genetics, your father designed to be "perfect." And he absolutely succeeded. 

Perhaps a reason Miranda is so stunning is that she's near completely based on the lovely Yvonne Strahovski (from NBC's Chuck), who also provides her voice.

Makes sense now, doesn't it? A brunette version of THAT? Sign me up.

Whatever the root cause, Miranda Lawson has it all. She's gorgeous, leggy, smart as a whip, and has the sexiest Australian accent. (Thanks again Yvonne.) What straight man wouldn't want her keeping him company at night?

That's the end of my list everyone. Feel free to praise, bash, or simply comment below. And don't forget to thank Bioware.

From Joe to Katy

Dear Katy Perry,

I was so fucking excited distraught when I heard of your impending divorce from Cro-Magnon Tool Brit comedian ass-clown Russell Brand. When I had heard a few months back that you were taking a break from the spotlight to start a family with him, I was scared this would be the result. I mean, who could honestly live with that man? I'm glad you learned this lesson after 14 months and not three years from now when everyone had already lost their celebrity wedding bets. It's better this way.

Really? HIM???

Yes, it's better that you asked him to divorce you so that it wouldn't upset your religious parents sensibilities. (And that everyone found out about it.) No need to ruin your perfect public image.

Yes. That public image.

Finally Katy, I want you to know something: It's going to be okay. I'm here for you.

Because I would still totally hit that.

Judge Nerdd: Dragon Age: Redemption

A red-headed Elf? Hot.

Anyone who knows me relatively well knows my love of all things Dragon Age as well as staring at Felicia Day in any media format. When Bioware decided to bring Day into the Dragon Age world via an original web-series, I just about went insane with nerdy-glee. Felicia Day as an Elf-assassin? YES PLEASE!

After months of waiting, the first episode of Dragon Age: Redemption has finally arrived, timed to release with the Mark of the Assassin DLC for Dragon Age II, in which Day's character Tallis is also prominently featured. As a Elf enslaved by the Qunari, a race of grey giants, Tallis is sent on a mission to recover a mage (a magically endowed individual, for those of you who don't speak RPG), a dangerous and exploitable commodity in the Dragon Age realm. She runs into a loud-mouthed warrior and a good-lookin' Templar (mage hunter, employed by the church) and the plot thickens...



First of all, Redemption has a well-rounded cast for a low-budget web-series, but it still looks like a low-budget web-series. It has its qualities, but the camera-work needs well, work. They still take too long drawing focus on the simple stunts that they think are going to look impressive. When you give us time to look at a mediocre or non-involved stunt, we can recognize it as such.

With long-time hard-ass Greg Collins as the axe-wielding Brom and Doug Jones (of Pans Labyrinth/Silver Surfer/Abe Sapien fame) as the Qunari mage Saarebas, I've at least SEEN the actors before. The sets and costumes are fitting enough for the Dragon Age setting and experience, but aren't overly impressive on anyone besides Day. (Who looks really hot in it, by the way.) I'm also not sure how I feel about the Qunari's look at this point. As far as the weaponry goes, I wasn't buying it. Brom's axe looked incredibly fake and the CG-work on the blood... looked like a video game. The fight choreography is well-executed, but not every actor looks at ease with their equipment. (Looking at you Adam Rayner.)

After only one episode, I'm very mixed on Redemption. I really enjoy Felicia Day's work, but she could be a little looser and more creative with character choices. Still, she's the strong point of a series that hasn't really hit the ground running. It surely has time to recover, but it needs to quickly distinguish itself from fan-made films.

Judge Nerdd has spoken. I AM THE LAW!

Judge Nerdd: Breaking Down The Avengers Trailer

After the teaser that was shown at the end of Captain America: The First Avenger, comic book nerds around the globe have been frothing at the mouth for more footage from The Avengers. That desire was satiated slightly with Marvel's release of the official trailer.

Below is the YouTube link, but you can also go an download/view the trailer on good ole iTunes.



First of all: OMFG. I absolutely CANNOT wait for the summer of 2012. If the world ends before I can witness the amazeballs that The Avengers will be, I will die an extremely unhappy boy.

All of that being said, it is possible for Judge Nerdd to nit-pick as well. Here are some of my highlights and questions regarding the trailer:

-Looks to be plenty of in-fighting among the group, akin to The Ultimates storyline. I would also tend to believe Loki plays a small role in turning some of the team against each other at certain points in the film, being the god of mischief and all. I mean, Thor taking a vicious air-bound swing at Cap probably wouldn't be a normal reaction.

-Robert Downey Jr. will be on full display. The clear headliner, Downey's Tony Stark will likely steal the show from his costumed counterparts. I have full confidence in the entire cast, but RDJ won't be passed over.

-Would it kill Marvel to give me a little more Hawkeye? I am beyond pumped for Jeremy Renner's arrow-equipped marksman, but have yet to get enough of him in any of his appearances. Along with Black Widow and Captain America, he's going to take direct orders from Samuel L. Jackson and SHIELD, which could cause friction with the God of Thunder and the Man of Iron, neither of whom take direction well.

-And this may be the girliest of all my gripes, but what the hell happened to Thor's hair? He's been hanging out in Asgard so long that he finally switched stylists? It was clean in his own flick, but for some reason it needs to be slightly wavier and more tussled about when he's on a team.

-I love ending it with a glimpse of the Hulk. Whatever triggered his rage, you can be sure the Hulk is going to present a problem that the Avengers may have to solve at some point.

With all the set-up and back-story provided by the FIVE movies that preceded it, The Avengers won't need to waste any time getting into the action, which is exactly what this trailer showcases. I'm all in. You should be too.

Judge Nerdd has spoken! I AM THE LAW!

Aural Sensitivity Training: August 29, 2011

After a brief time off, I'm back this week for more audio recommendations. I'm also in the midst of planning out some exciting and fresh blogs for The Random Ramblings (with some guest writers as well), so keep checking back! For now, onto the picks!

Rihanna, "Shut Up and Drive"

Old? Sure. But still really good. Rihanna is so effing well-produced that I can't help but thump along. There's a great balance between her vocals and the heavy beats that pulse in the background of this single, making it worth the listen.

Natalia Kills, "Wonderland"

Once you get past the opening (which sounds like Gaga to a T), this dance-ready pop song really gets going with solid hooks. And the kicker? Right now it's free over on Amazon Music. So what are you waiting for?

Tim Urban, "American Fanfare"

Every time I hear this track, I feel like I'm sitting in on a recording session for a Hollywood movie score. And for some reason it's a film with Kevin Spacey. No idea why. Still, Urban's piano playing is dynamite.

The All-American Rejects, "The Wind Blows" (Skrillex Remix)

Having just picked up When The World Comes Down, I heard the original version of this song, which I have to say, kinda sucked. I much prefer the high-paced remix from the famous electro/house producer found on the Download to Donate album.

The Feeling, "Love it When You Call"

This tune is so much fun. If you're looking to get hooked on one new band, this song will be your gateway. Dan Gillespie Sells' lyrics and vocal quality is almost entirely matchless.

Be back next week for more training!

Aural Sensitivity Training: Lollapalooza Edition

So it might be a week behind, but I wanted to let you in on some of the best acts I saw in my day and 1/2 or so at Lolla. It was a bit of a last-minute trip, so I didn't get to see as many bands as I might have liked, but it was worth it nonetheless.

Oh I'm sorry, did you actually want to see the band?

My Morning Jacket

One of my favorite concerts of the weekend, MMJ was on top of their game. If you've never seen them live before, it's an experience. Their pure, classic rock and roll makes for one helluva show.

Damian Marley and Nas

So effing good. A mix of reggae and rap, this show was off the charts. This duo got the crowd jumping and never let up. Coming from someone who isn't a major fan of either genre, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it.

Foo Fighters

I didn't get a chance to catch their entire two-hour set (needed a shower after all the rain and tons o' mud), but the Foo brought their best to Chicago.

Mmm... dancers.

Beats Antique

This group out of California has one of the best stage shows I've seen. David Satori and Tommy Cappel take turns at a variety of intrsuments (percussion, violin,) while another duo supported with a saxophone and clarinet in a fusion of European rock and gypsy/Middle Eastern music. Add in the sexy and talented Zoe Jakes as the frontwoman for their own group of dancers and you've got an entirely original show. Check them out.

Cage The Elephant

A wicked downpour could not drench the spirits of the rowdy fans for this equally rowdy Kentucky band. When "Ain't Not Rest For the Wicked" started, there was a raucous reaction. While they're not the greatest or most original hard rockers, they certainly entertaining.

What were your favorite acts at Lolla? Start the discussion below!

Judge Nerdd's Tips for Comic-Con

Alright Chicago Nerds, your annual Mecca has returned to Rosemont. If you've been there before, you might think you know how to best maneuver the chaos, but you could probably use a refresher. If you've never had your Wizard World cherry popped, then follow these rules closely. (They've been provided by three experts: Me, my brother and my sister.) You're welcome.

Ask to see something expensive/breakable out of its box first.


Because nothing's shittier than spending $100 on a sexy Poison Ivy statue only to discover that her hand is broken off. Look at it before you buy it.

Anyone in costume will gladly take one with you.

But do you really need a picture with overweight Superman? Also, avoid walking in front of someone else's photo.

Check the schedule.


If you want to get a comic signed, need to see a panel, or want to know when Patrick Stewart is signing, be sure to plan your day ahead of time and look at the handy schedule of events. Lines form early for most events, especially the ones you want to attend,


Gauge your price points ahead of time.


If you can get it on Amazon for $40, don't pay more than $50 for it at the convention. Know your breaking points on any collectible you're looking for and save yourself money in the long run.


Go in the vintage porn booth if you want.


Seriously. Loitering outside of it isn't fooling anyone. Just go in and browse like a man.


Pay for parking on your way in.


Trust me. They'll be a hella-line on your way out.


Try not to buy anything on your first pass-through.


Because you might see that Wonder Woman bust for $60 at one booth, but you'll likely see it for $45 three booths down after you impulsively buy it. Take a photo or write a note to remember where/what you wanted and head back there if you don't see it for cheaper.

Autographs cost money.

Why else do you think all these "celebrities" show up? Old retired wrestlers don't just show up to shake hands with their 40-year old fans. They get straight-cash homie.

Don't stop in the middle of an aisle.

I don't care if you HAVE to get a picture of silver-haired minx in the Black Cat costume. Other people are going to held up because you just nerd-gasmed.

Hot chicks that talk to you are trying to give/sell you something.

If they're in costume, it's a 50/50 proposition. But if they're in a cute nerdy t-shirt and jeans with a stack of something in their palm? They're going to smile and hand it to you.

Pack a lunch.


Why waste valuable money on overpriced convention center grub? Three days of 5 dollar hots dogs and 3 dollar sodas is a lot of dough. Spend that money on what you came for. Nerd shit.


Wear comfortable shoes.


This one is pretty obvious.


You're not selling your comic collection here.


Most dealers are looking to unload, not bring home a new inventory. That entire run of Grant Morrison's JLA should stay at home. Besides, that's too much heavy lifting.


Don't make your girlfriend/boyfriend come unless she legitimately wants to go.


Otherwise they're just going to be annoying and slow you down.


Backpack it.


If you are planning on getting more than a few comic books, a tiny messenger bag just won't cut it. Bring a backpack and maybe pack an earth-friendly tote bag. Otherwise you'll be making frequent drop-offs at the car.

Brace for nasal impact.

'Cause some nerds smell.

Wear deodorant.

'Cause you prolly smell.

Bring cash.

Some booths do take credit cards, but a healthy stack of green is advised.

Any other tips? Share them below!